


Unas Wooness

by Denise



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-18
Updated: 2012-06-18
Packaged: 2017-11-08 00:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/436977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denise/pseuds/Denise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is kidnapped!!! Oh my, what will Jack do????</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unas Wooness

Title-  Unas Woo-Ness

Author- Denise

Category-  Humor, Crackfic

Season- 7

Spoilers –  Any Unas episodes are up for grabs

Content Level – OLDER KIDS

Content Warning- Bad jokes, bad characterizations, clichés galore. It's a Crack!fic.

Summary- Sam is kidnapped!!! Oh my, what will Jack do?????

Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Sci-fi and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

My thanks to Sue for the fantastic beta and to Shaz, who came up with the idea in the first place.

 

 

Unas Woo-ness

By

Denise

 

 

 

 

 

Sam yawned and got to her feet, stretching to wake herself up. Around her, the camp was quiet. The fire snapped and crackled and she watched tiny embers fly into the air, propelled by the heat.

 

The colonel and Daniel were in one tent and Sam could hear the occasional snore from one or both of them.  Teal'c was in the other tent probably asleep as well.

 

She slowly walked around the camp, her footsteps sounding loud in the nocturnal stillness. She wasn't used to this, being alone on watch. Yes, they did normally all take turns, but until a few months ago she always had Teal'c to fall back on. Since he’d started taking tretonin and had to sleep now instead of kelnoreem, that had all changed.  He slept just like they did and Sam found that she missed him.

 

She finished her circuit and sat back down, grabbing one of the jackets hanging by the fire to wrap around her shoulders. It had rained a bit during their hike from the gate, not enough to cancel the mission, but enough to leave their jackets uncomfortably damp.

Once they'd gotten the fire going, they'd found a way to hang the jackets up by the fire, hoping that the heat would dry them.

 

She shoved her arms into the sleeves and frowned, it felt odd. Digging in the pockets she didn't encounter the tube of chapstick, tissues and pack of tampons she'd been expecting but the lumpy shape of a slightly squashed Power Bar. "Daniel," she muttered, realizing that she'd grabbed the wrong jacket.

 

She made a move to take it off when she heard a faint rustle in the bushes. Her hand grasped her weapon as she spun, barely catching a glimpse of a monstrous face before a massive claw swept out, knocking her unconscious.

 

 

/\/\/\/\/\

 

 

Jack rolled over, a sense of unease clawing at his brain. Something was wrong; he could feel it in his bones. He picked up his P-90 and crawled out of the tent looking around.

 

The fire was crackling merrily but Sam was nowhere to be seen. Thinking that maybe she'd slipped off for some personal time he sat down on the log, his senses tuned to pick up the first indication of Sam returning.

 

Ten minutes later he rose to his feet, his unease subverted by blatant concern. She was never gone this long, never. Whatever had happened to her was all his fault. He never should have let her stand watch on her own.

 

"Carter?" He thumbed the controls to his radio. "Carter, report!" His voice grew louder, more strident.

 

Still not getting a response he sprung into action, quickly waking Daniel and Teal'c, setting both of them to help him search for Sam. The two men walked around the camp, their movements getting more and more frantic as the seconds passed.

 

"O'Neill," Teal'c called out in a few seconds.

 

Jack hurried over, squatting at his side. "Whatcha got?"

 

"I believe that Major Carter was abducted," he said.

 

"How do you know that?" Daniel asked, joining them.

 

Teal'c pointed out a footprint. "This was not made by one of us."

 

"Well you don't know…"

 

"Daniel, have you been running around barefoot?" Jack interrupted, impatient at the interruption.

 

"No, of course not."

 

"And are your toe nails about three inches long?"

 

"Ewwe, no." Daniel wrinkled his nose in disgust.

 

"Then this isn't your foot print."

 

"I know of only one creature that leaves a track such as this," Teal'c said.

 

"Lions? Tigers?"

 

"Unas."

 

"No." Jack shook his head. "We killed him."

 

"Jack, we've been through this," Daniel said, rolling his eyes. "There wasn't just one Unas, but a race of them and—"

 

"And they like you," Jack interrupted, pointing at Daniel.

 

"So?"

 

"So, why did one of them grab Sam? You're usually the Unas bait."

 

"I don't know," Daniel frowned, his lower lip quivering as the true nature of his failing sank in. He'd failed them, failed them all and now Sam was in danger.

 

"Chaka abducted you to be dinner did he not Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked, an oasis of calm in the rising panic.

 

"You don't think that the Unas took Sam to eat her?" Daniel asked, horrified, his limpid blue eyes going wide.

 

"He damn well better not," Jack growled, getting to his feet. "If anyone's gonna eat Carter, it's me. Teal'c, Daniel break camp. We've got a major to track."

 

 

/\/\/\/\/\

 

 

Sam awoke to a very unpleasant pressure on her middle that, in concert with the bobbing and swaying of her head, threatened to make her physically ill.

 

She forced her eyes open, frowning at the blurry maroon shape in front of her. She bounced and realized that she was slung over someone's shoulder and that she had an up-close and personal view of her abductor's ass. "Hey!" she said. "HEY!" She raised her arms and pounded on her captor. "HEY! Put me down!"

 

He still ignored her and she balled up her fists and hit him as low on the leg as she could. His knee buckled and he stumbled. Sam pushed away, rolling as she slid off his shoulder. She tried to get to her feet, one hand going towards her waist only to encounter an empty holster.

 

Her captor shouted, a guttural growl that sent chills down her spine. She turned to face him, knowing that her only hope of outrunning him would be to disable him first. "You've got to be kidding me," she said when she saw her captor.

 

He stalked towards her and she backed away. She reached for her knife and pulled it from its sheath, relieved to discover that he hadn't removed that. "Why don't you be a nice Unas and go find an archaeologist to harass," she said, studying him.

 

He was tall, well over six feet and larger than Teal'c. His reptilian arms and legs were bare, covered only by thick greenish skin. He wore a leather tunic that came down to mid thigh and was belted at the waist with a long beaded rope. Even though it was leather, it was dyed a reddish-brown color, something that fit in with Daniel's analysis of the Unas being somewhat advanced.

 

Like Chaka, he wore a bone necklace but his was looser, hanging down over his chest, not high around his neck like Chaka's. His claw like hands hung loosely at his side as he paced her. She stepped to her right, trying to get around him. He stepped to his left, making it clear that she wasn't just going to walk away.

 

"You know, you made a really big mistake," she said. "I have these friends and they've got this thing about Unas'. They've aah, they've got trophy belts."

 

She grasped her knife tightly, holding it between them. He frowned, cocking his head quizzically. "You should let me go," she continued, studying him. He was carefully pacing her, not letting her get away, but also not coming any closer to her. "They're gonna open a can of whoop-ass on you," she threatened.

 

With her free hand she reached for her radio, surprised to discover it still attached to her vest. "Sierra gulf two niner to sierra gulf one niner," she said, keeping her eyes on the Unas.

 

"Carter, where are you?" The response was immediate. His voice was curt and short and someone else would interpret it as brusque or cruel. But she knew better. What she was hearing was concern.

 

"I’m not quite sure. Met a new friend though," she responded.

 

"Is he nice?"

 

"Depends on your definition of the word," she said. As she talked she could feel a twinging pain on the left side of her face. He must have bruised or cut her when he hit her. She'd explore the injury later, preferably when she didn't have her hands full.

 

"What's your situation?"

 

"It's been better. I'm free but not free to leave."

 

"Any chance of that changing?" he asked. Suddenly her captor lunged at her. Sam released the radio, back stepping quickly. "Carter? Carter respond!"

 

He lunged again and Sam's foot caught on a rock, nearly tripping her. Panicking slightly and realizing that she was no match for his strength, Sam threw the knife at him as hard as she could before spinning on her heel. She ran, her boots pounding on the hard soil, a howl of pain her only clue that she'd hit her target.

 

She made for the tree line, not even caring if she was running away from her team, as long as she was running away from him.

 

Trees and bushes flashed by, her mind barely able to register their existence as it sought to guide her pell mell dash through the thick undergrowth. The rational part of her mind said that she should slow down, try to be quieter. But it was overruled by the nearly overwhelming fear of what he would do with her if he caught her. Normal Unas were bad enough, shed didn't even want to think what an injured and pissed off Unas would do to her.

 

Her breath rasped in her throat and her heart pounded in her chest as she ran. The bushes were thick and she could discern no path. Small branches stung her face while roots snapped at her feet. "Carter! Report!" The colonel's voice roared tinnily out of the radio.

Sam glanced down for a split second so she didn't see the ravine that loomed directly in front of her. In fact, she barely had time to register a lack of anything under her feet before gravity asserted itself and she fell.

 

 

/\/\/\/\/\

 

 

"Carter! Report!" Jack forced himself to count to ten, ignoring Daniel and Teal'c's looks. "Damnit," he cursed as the radio remained silent.

 

"Maybe she moved out of range?" Daniel suggested, wringing his hands.

 

"That is highly unlikely," Teal'c said. "Her prior communication was clearly audible."

 

"We need to find her.  Teal'c?"

 

The Jaffa took his commander's unspoken request to heart, setting himself to discerning the trail. He led them, careful not to step upon the large claw like tracks of the Unas.

 

Jack followed right behind him, his P-90 clutched in his hands. He fought the urge to push Teal'c along, to make him move faster.  He had to get to her, had to get to Sam, to get her away from that thing.

 

 

/\/\/\/\/\

 

 

Sam slowly opened her eyes, staring dazedly at the leaf-obscured sky. A soft breeze stirred the branches and she heard them rustle. They were kinda pretty, a bright green color against the blue sky. A lot of the planets they visited were like that, green foliage, blue sky. She wondered why that was.  Did the Ancients plan it that way? Did they choose planets that were like Earth, or did they make Earth like the other planets?

 

She heard the rustling sound again and frowned, realizing that the leaves weren't moving this time. If the leaves weren't moving, where was the sound coming from?

 

Better yet, why the hell was she lying out here, wherever here was?

 

She pushed herself up, groaning softly as pain heralded the return of her memory. She craned her neck and looked up, frowning at the sight of the embankment above her. "First step was seriously a doozy," she muttered.

 

She shifted her position and gasped, looking down at her left leg. The fabric of her pants was torn and stained and she gingerly explored it, wincing at the sight of a jagged cut on her calf. "Great." She wasn't going to be running any marathons anytime soon. Running...oh god, where was he?

 

She looked back up at the embankment, desperately afraid that she'd see the Unas. Even if she'd actually gotten away from him, she didn't think it'd last for long. She heard the rustling sound again and turned around, afraid that the Unas had found her. "Oh crap," she moaned, catching sight of something moving towards her.

 

The creature was like something she'd never seen before, a cross between a giant snake and a huge lizard. It had a thin forked tongue that flicked out, tasting the air. It lumbered closer, moving slowly but relentlessly, like a creature whose bulk was too big for its frame.

 

Reacting instinctively, she tried to get to her feet, crying out when her leg refused to support her. Knowing that she couldn't run, she scuttled backwards, using her arms and her one good leg to drag herself away from the creature. It started to move faster, almost as if it sensed her fear.

 

"Carter?"

 

She heard the colonel's voice and looked over, seeing her radio lying amongst some leaves and debris a few yards away. Taking a gamble, she stopped moving away from the lizard and maneuvered towards the radio, willing to sacrifice a few yards to get some help. She snatched at it, alarmed to realize just how much ground the lizard had gained. "Colonel?" She struggled to keep moving while using one hand to use the radio.

 

"Carter? Where the hell are you?"

 

"I don't…I kinda need a little help here," she said, digging her good leg into the ground and trying to gain some more leverage.

 

"Where are you?"

 

"I don't know." She released her grip on the radio and kept dragging herself away from the lizard.  It was catching up with her, getting closer with every lumbering step. Its tongue snaked out, tasting her blood smeared on a leaf. That's how it was tracking her, it was following the scent of her blood.

 

The report of a gun sliced through the air and Sam gasped, smiling as she realized what it meant. "I'm here!" she screamed. "Over here!" Her left hand slipped and her body jolted to the side. She glanced over her shoulder, her eyes going wide as she realized that she was once again at the edge of an embankment. Only this time the drop off wasn’t a few yards, it was a few miles. She was officially through retreating, unless she was in the mood to see if she could sprout wings and fly.

 

"Guys! Hey, over here!" she screamed again, trying to scoot to one side to buy as much distance between her and the lizard as possible. The lizard got closer. It was only a few yards away. She could see the individual scales on its front legs, the thick yellow claws that dug into the dirt and leaves, leaving deep scratches in the ground.

 

It got closer and closer, relentlessly chasing her down, its slow pace just as deadly as if it was a leopard swooping in for a swift kill. Sam sidled to her right, her movements getting more and more frantic as she realized that she couldn't escape from it. She regretted throwing her knife at the Unas since she was now totally unarmed.  The lizard creature picked up its pace and closed in for the kill. Its tongue flicked out and touched the toe of her boot. Sam's hand landed on a small stone and she picked it up, throwing it at the creature. Her panicked toss missed and its tongue flicked out one more time before its mouth opened, its intention clear.

 

She struck out with her good foot, kicking the lizard's head. She picked up and threw a couple more rocks at it, well aware that her feeble attack was likely not going to discourage it but make it madder. It snapped at her foot, catch her boot in its jaws. Sam screamed, not only in pain as it pulled her by her injured leg, but also in terror. The damn thing was going to eat her alive.

 

She yelled and kicked out with her other foot, trying to gouge it in its eyes. It ignored her and kept dragging her away from the drop off. It released its grip and reasserted it in a flash, its mouth now higher on her leg. Fearing that it had venom or some sort of paralytic agent she kicked as hard as she could, desperately realizing that if she didn't free herself in the next few seconds it may be too late.

 

She screamed and yelled, not caring that she sounded like a reject from a slasher movie. Her only hope for rescue lay in her friends and she had to get them here, preferably before she turned into lizard food.

 

A large shape flashed past her, growling ferociously. Giant claws grabbed the lizard's jaws, prying them apart and freeing Sam. She fell back, ignoring the pain that shot up her injured leg. She dragged herself away, staring in amazement as the Unas battled with the  giant lizard, pitting his massive strength against the creature.

 

They rolled and wrestled on the forest floor, their bodies intertwined in a battle to the death. The lizard snapped at the Unas, trying to bite him while the Unas struggled to kill the lizard. The Unas had a death grip on the lizard's jaws, refusing to release it even as the lizard rolled about, battering the Unas with his bulk.

 

Rationally, Sam knew that she should be retreating. She should be trying to get away, to escape either the Unas or the lizard, which ever won. But she couldn't. She was fascinated by the battle going on before her.  Their fighting was desperate and feral punctuated only with the groans and growls as each creature exerted itself to its fullest extent.

 

 "Whoa!"

 

The rest of her team appeared at her side, the colonel and Teal'c flanking her, both of their weapons aimed and armed. "What the hell is that?" Daniel asked, standing beside Jack.

 

"Don't you recognize your buddy?" Jack asked.

 

"I mean what's trying to kill the Unas," Daniel said. He looked at Jack, his piercing blue eyes pleading. "Help him."

 

"Help? Why the hell do I want to help it?" Jack asked.

 

"It's a sentient being," Daniel protested.

 

"It kidnapped Carter," Jack shot back.

 

"That thing is killing it."

 

"Good!"

 

"Colonel," Sam protested. "That lizard was going to eat me."

 

"Which is why—“  
  


"The Unas saved me," she interrupted. "You can't let it die."

 

"Damn straight I can."

 

"Colonel, please." She looked up at him, pleading with her eyes. "I don't think he meant to hurt me."

 

The two creatures continued their battle, the Unas finally getting the upper hand. He gained his feet and dug his fingers into the lizard's jaws ripping them apart with a sickening sound. The lizard gurgled and struggled futilely before the Unas dropped it to the ground. He turned, ignoring the twitching creature and Sam saw the colonel tense, bringing his weapon to bear.

 

"Colonel." She stretched up, settling her hand on the barrel of his P-90. "Teal'c," she said, as he armed his staff weapon.

 

The Unas walked towards them, his gait uneven and limping. Sam could see that he was injured, his arms and legs were covered with cuts and bruises. Blood, both his and the lizard's, stained his skin and covered his hands. There was a small tear on his tunic, one she guessed she'd caused when she'd thrown her knife at him.

 

The men surrounding her tensed as the Unas drew close. Sam heard a small click and knew that Jack had flicked off the safety of his weapon, still waiting for the Unas to do something but also ready to defend them, defend her.

 

The Unas stopped just feet away, his nostrils flaring. He sniffed each of them in turn, studying them intently. He started with Teal'c, baring his teeth slightly and growling low in his throat. "Easy big fella," Jack muttered and Sam didn't know which one he was speaking to, or maybe his words were meant for both.

 

The Unas moved on, passing Sam and Jack to stand in front of Daniel. "Um, hi. My name is Daniel Jackson and umm, ka keka," he said, pointing at himself. "Ka nay." He gestured at all of them.

 

The Unas snorted, reaching out to swipe his bloody claw at Daniel, painting his face with a garish purple streak of lizard blood. "Thanks, just what I wanted," Daniel said as the Unas moved in front of Jack.

 

The Unas leaned forward, breathing in deep as he sniffed Jack. "Sir, I don't think he's going to hurt us," Sam warned, all too aware that her leader would shoot the creature in an instant if he thought that it was a threat. The Unas cocked his head and made a noise low in his throat before glancing over at Sam.

 

He reached down and wrapped his massive claw around the wrist of her hand that was still resting on the barrel of Jack's gun. "Sir," Sam warned. The Unas reached out his other hand and took Jack's hand, guiding the two together.

 

"What the—"

 

"Ko," the Unas growled. "Nona nok."

 

"Daniel?"

 

"He's ah, he's giving Sam to you and telling you to take her home," Daniel translated. "You know, I saw something like this with Chaka and his people. There were these two Unas and…a he and a she, I think it was a he and a she, it's pretty hard to tell sometimes but Chaka did this thing with his hands and—" 

  
"Daniel," Jack interrupted harshly, not taking his eyes off the massive creature in front of them.

 

The Unas looked at them one more time before moving back. He limped away, stepping tiredly over the lizard and vanishing into the distance.

 

Jack and Teal'c both stood vigilant until he was out of sight and Jack knelt at her side, his hands going to her injured leg. "Sam?"

 

"It's ok," she said. "I just hurt it when I fell," she reassured him.

 

Daniel knelt beside Jack, pulling out his first aid kit. "This doesn't look too bad," he said, smiling at her.

 

"At least everything's still attached," Sam said, tensing a bit as Daniel applied too much pressure. It only took him a few minutes to clumsily field dress her leg and put the first aid kit away.

 

"We'll get you back home and let Frasier take care of things," Jack said. Daniel got to his feet and Jack followed suit, holding out one hand to help Sam.

 

She let him pull her up and tried to take a step forward, losing her balance when her leg gave away. Jack caught her, his strong arms keeping her from falling. "I don't think you're gonna be walking home," he said.

 

"I shall assist Major Carter," Teal'c offered.

 

"You can keep an eye out in case Daniel's buddy changes his mind," Jack said. He took his P-90 off his vest and handed it to Daniel then bent over, effortlessly sweeping Sam into his arms.

 

"Sir!" she protested.

 

"Indulge me, Major," he requested. "Let's go."

 

They set out, slowly walking down the floor of the ravine, presumably, Sam guessed, looking for an easy way out. She knew that it was wrong, that she shouldn't be enjoying her ride as much as she was. That she should be protesting him carrying her, that she could walk, she just needed a little help.

 

But she didn't want to. She liked it here. Liked it a lot. She sighed, laying her head against his shoulder. She felt safe in his arms and she relished the feeling. It was such a relief after the hours of terror. 

 

"You shouldn't scare me like that," he said, his voice barely audible.

 

"What?" She opened her eyes, alarmed at how tired she felt.

 

"Kidnapped by an Unas, you do realize that's what we keep Daniel around for?"

 

"Does he know that?" she asked, smiling at his gentle teasing.

 

"He's a smart guy, he'll figure it out," Jack dismissed.

 

"I knew you'd come," she mumbled, burying her face into his neck. He smelled so good, a tantalizing mixture of sweat and sandalwood.

 

"You did, did you?"

 

"Mmhm. After all the complaining you did about all the paperwork after Daniel lost his sidearm you had to. There's at least twice as much red tape when you lose a person," she teased.

 

His hands tensed around her. "I could care less about the red tape," she thought she heard him mutter just before she drifted off to sleep.

 

 

The whooshing of the Stargate woke her and she raised her head, blinking to clear her vision as the event horizon settled into its normal wavy blue state. "We're good," Daniel called out, one hand resting on the GDO he wore on his wrist.

 

"Stop," Sam said softly as Jack took a step forward.

 

"Sam?"

 

"I wanna walk," she requested, loosening her grip around his neck and pushing herself away from his chest.

 

"We need to get you back," he protested.

 

"Jack, please," she said, craning her neck to look at him. "It's important to me."

 

He stared at her for a few seconds before sighing in defeat. "Ok." He bent over slightly, loosening his grip and letting her stand on her own two feet…or to be more accurate, one foot.

 

"Come, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said. He led Daniel through the gate, leaving Sam and Jack alone.

 

Jack wrapped his arm around her waist, supporting her as a human crutch. "You are damned stubborn," he groused.

 

"Wonder who I picked that up from." She took a lurching step, almost falling over when she tried to put weight on her injured leg.

 

"Sam, this is stupid. Just let me carry you."

 

"You may be right," she confessed, tears pricking her eyes at the pain shooting up her leg. "This was a dumb idea."

 

"It's not your fault Daniel's pet Unas grabbed you."

 

"Not that. I just…"

 

"Just what?" he prodded as she trailed off.

 

"I just wanted to be alone with you for a second," she confessed.

 

"Alone with me? Why?"

 

She shifted in his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him soundly on the lips. He just stood there for a second, one arm hanging loosely at his side, the other still wrapped around her waist. When he didn't respond, she tried to pull back, realizing that she'd made a horrible mistake. Maybe they could just dismiss it as pain induced psychosis? That's it, she could plead temporary insanity. Maybe she could fake passing out? Pretend it was some fever induced hallucinate—a warm, rough tongue slipped through her lips as he began to kiss her back, his other arm joining the first in setting at her waist.

 

She pulled his head closer, intensifying the kiss. Finally, she pulled back, staring him in the eyes. Amusement twinkled in their cinnamon depths and his lips quirked as he licked them with his tongue. "That's…aah, that's a good reason to want to be alone," he said.

 

"I love you Jack. I've always loved you and I can't wait for another day to go by without telling you," she said, finally giving voice to her deepest emotions. "I was wrong to try and leave this in the room. I don't want it there anymore. I want you and only you."

 

"Oh god, Sam, when I realized that you were missing I nearly went out of my mind," he said. "I couldn't stand the thought of losing you."

 

"Me neither. I just—"

 

"Jack, Sam, is everything ok?" Daniel's voice interrupted her as Jack's radio crackled to

life.

 

"Yeah, Daniel, we're fine," he said into his radio. "Carter's just walking a little slow is all."

 

"OK, umm, fine. I just…Janet's here and she's worried and…"

 

Jack reached up and snapped off his radio, cutting Daniel's ramblings off. "We need to go," Jack said regretfully. "Before Hammond sends in the Marines."

 

"Right," she agreed, still not releasing her hold. She resisted the urge to push him to the ground and finally have what she'd longed for for years.

 

"We really need to go," he said.

 

"I don't wanna," she said, not caring if she whined.

 

"Be good and I'll tell Doc that you need bed rest," he bargained.

 

"Bed rest is boring," she said, pouting as he reached up and untangled her arms.

 

"You've been having the wrong kind of  bed rest," he said. "Trust me, you will not be bored."

 

"Promise?"

 

"Ya sure ya betcha," he quipped, maneuvering them towards the shimmering gate.

 

~Fin~

 

 


End file.
